i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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