pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
