god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
