just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
