he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
