my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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