saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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