Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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