She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
