There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
