Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
