My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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