Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
