you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
