I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
this just has baby written all over it
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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