Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
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Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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