ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
