I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
