Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Randomize
