please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
