Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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