Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
