Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
