Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
