super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
