He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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