ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
