It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
