Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Too much gin, very little bucket
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
we're making bets on your personal life
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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