i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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