I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
