The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
