i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
