Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
