i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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