sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
