and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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