Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
