Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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