Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
