I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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