our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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