So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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