Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you win again, gameday.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
