Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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