Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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