Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
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