i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
