I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
