She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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