I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
