I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
