Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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