I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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