Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
